Looking like Cherie Blair in that famous morning after photo, I open the door to the postman. Seeing what he held out, I respond with such enthusiasm that, had Mr E not been standing in the hall, the postie may have thought he was onto a good thing. I imagine that he has rarely witnessed such a joyous reaction to a brown envelope from Haringey Council.
Ripping open the envelope I withdraw my large black zip up folder, emblazoned with Haringey Community Volunteers. Mr E inquires none too politely what I amholding and when I tellhim goes off, muttering something about 'Taxpayers money'. I ignore him and carry my prize into the living room.
Contents first: A personalised letter signed by DR promising newsletters and socials with refreshments. Marvellous! Green pencil, made from recycled CD cases...all those Jason Donovan CDs put to good use...and a pen from recycled car parts...cars into pens now that is civilized! A lovely little policeman style notebook and pen (recycled leather, of course)...already I imagine myself writing notes while prowling the Passage...that's if nipperette doesn't find it and write endless love notes to Tommy Zoom in it.
Oh look, a lovely pad of lined paper for my angry outpourings and winsome flights of fancy about taking coffee on the Grand Parade while watching the fine folk of Harringay, young and old, rich or poor parading in their finery on a summer's eve...look there's Matt whizzing past on his bike... er hmm sorry back to my lovely folder.
I open the first insert and there is Councillor Haley welcoming me. What a lovely picture, you know, the one with the puppy dog eyes and the 'you can trust me' expression. I strongly suspect the signature is a printed one which will make this page worthless on ebay. What a swizz.
I am now a Community Volunteer. A little shiver of excitement...what great truths will be unveiled from within thatzip up black leather interior.
I open up the folder...
Who are Haringey's Community Volunteers? 'Gasp' not a special shirt between 'em. Also note that the three people who appear to be under 45 in the photo are being made to stand at the back...
Quickly move on to section 2, How do Community Volunteers get things done? Ah this is better, funky young things on the computer and phone or scribbling stuff in their notebooks.
Now, the phone numbers...it would, of course, be more than my life is worth to divulge those numbers, I'm afraid, suffice to say, they are not the same as the ordinary folk have..only I have the hotline to the ear of Streetscene to report those blocked drains and potholes.
Hmm, now this is interesting. What I can expect from Council officers. To be treated politely, fairly and with respect. Answer letters and phone calls promptly, not keep me waiting without an explanation and keep appointments. Make it clear what they can and can't do, listen to me and seek my views, respond to enquiries. Lor' you mean that there is a chance I might get someone on an off day who will bellow down the phone, put me on hold for an hour then tell me they couldn't give a toss about my opinion. Well if that happens, I have a right to complain and someone will admit their mistake and put things right after a full investigation. Phew, that's all right then. It's a tough life being a Haringey officer. I make a mental promise to myself to have a sunny greeting on my lips and perhaps an inquiry after their general health when I ring.
It also says that I must not put myself in a position of confrontation with others...scribble out suggestion on my reply slip that we are issued with stun guns and loud hailers. 'PICK UP THE POO OR I WILL FIRE!'
But now I am ready for you, litterbugs and the flytippers. I have my notebook, my recycled pen and my list of contacts. Bring it on.
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